My first-born son was in a performance tonight..."Vikings on Broadway." He performed on the same stage I had many times. I was so proud...and so glad it wasn't me performing! I have so much fun watching and have so many memories being on that stage (like when I was dancing to "Farmer Tan" and one of my contacts popped out during the middle of the performance.) But I have no desire for that to "be me" again.

I don't ever want to "live" through my kids. It's sad to see some age...that are completely "stuck" in wanting to be back on that stage. I keep thinking...there is a stage for you, just not a high school stage.

God has a plan and a purpose for each of us. We had our chance in high school, then college, now in the real world. What is your purpose now? I'm not too old...neither are you! Don't try to go back...go forward...the best is yet to come!

Happy to be 37 with little drama in my life....
It's okay, not know where I am long as I am with you. But the only way I can follow you--in my darkness of not knowing--is to hold tightly to you. Even when I am following closely behind you--I will hit some bumps in the road. It will be messy...but I will follow...

Funny aside...I'm thinking of the movie When In remember when they went into the dark restaurant? Even with a capable guide who could see in the darkness...the two wanna-be lovebirds were running into everything and everyone. (The funniest part was when they were touching the heads of the other unsuspecting patrons...and spilling their drinks...pretty funny!)

My problem has been walking in the dark and NOT holding on. I had so beat myself up in the tripping and falling that I was too wounded to go on. But You led me to the Balm of Gilead...the healing restoration needed to make me whole and learn to TRUST in the Process...TRUST in You...EMBRACE the Mystery...

I had been the blind leading the blind.  Therefore; to be led by me is erratic...out of step...where am I leading to?

It is truly time for me to lead myself--to learn to be the follower of You!

The movie When in Rome is such a good picture.  Just when I thought I found "Mr. Right" (my dreams and desires) there were bumps that lead me to question I stepped into the "fountain" and began grasping for coins. As I chose them, I became attached to the "coins" thinking, mocking, the process and events leading to that moment. 

The more attached I became to the coins--the more comfortable I became with them. They were no longer irritants but a pale reminder of "what could have been." 

You were there all along..."Mr.Right." Trying to woo me back to that place but I didn't trust You! I didn't know what tricks You had up your sleeve. I couldn't help myself--the drawing back was overwhelming. Something was happening--I wanted the real thing--I wanted to return the "coins" but it was difficult.

As I began to put them back in their rightful place I had more opportunity to hold on to YOU instead! You really wanted me! You really love me! You see something in me worth fighting for and You never stopped fighting.

The return to You, to learn to trust again, is so freeing. As I learn to trust You, I've been restored to right thinking and I can trust ME again. Trust in the TRUTH of You and Your WORD. That all I have is yours and You want all of me...just as I am!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on you OWN understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him in all your ways AND HE will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Forgive me Lord for not acknowledging you...for not trusting you to lead me through the darkness. I give you my hand...raise my head to look to you even in my darkness--for even darkness is light to you!
God has blessed me with some great friends! I am spending the weekend with two of them. We laugh. We cry. We talk. We eat. We talk some more!

I am truly blessed. They speak life.

We need friends. We need each other. I'm grateful God game me Cheryl, my life-long friend, and JoLynn, my friend who feels like a life-time friend.

That's all! Just grateful!
This is a very special week in our house.  My Mia ShyAn Xin "let" Jesus come into her heart! YIPPEE!!! Really you have no idea how excited I am!

Saturday evening as I put her to bed, I asked her if she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart. We've had this conversation a few times. Sometimes she acts like she is thinking about it but is not sure. Sometimes she says "No, not yet" very sincerely. But this evening she said, "Nope!" very matter-of-fact. When I asked why, she honestly said, "Cause He doesn't like me".  I was nearly heartbroken.  How is it that you can sing Jesus Loves Me every night to a 3 year old, take her faithfully to Sunday School, Children's Church and MPACT girl's club and she doesn't think that Jesus likes her? Now, mind you, she is quite the Diva! She comes up with stuff all the time and I wonder where on earth she has gotten it from. She asked if Jesus was in "her boys'" hearts. I said yes but that didn't seem to make a difference.

Sunday night we went to the Winter Jam tour. She loves music so she was in heaven. During one part of the evening, in particular, as she sat on my husband's lap, she had her hands raised. Praising Jesus. She wasn't doing this with one eye open looking around. She had her hands raised, her head thrown back and her little Chinese eyes squinted shut real hard. She was really into it. This mommy was thrilled!

Last night at church, we had a prayer meeting. At the end of the meeting we all gathered up front to pray for each other. As we stood there she said, "Mommy, Jesus walked into my heart." I was stunned. Completely on her own...she had experienced Jesus. Being the good little Pentecostal girl she is...she was testifying!

This brings me to tonight. We were again singing her bedtime songs. I asked what she wanted me to sing and she said, "red and yellow, black and white." As I completed that one I went straight into "Jesus Loves Me", a song that has comforted her since the first day we laid eyes on her. Upon completion, she looked at me and said, "Is Jesus still in my Heart?" Oh yes! "Did He walk into my heart?" Yes. "Why does He want to live there? Does He live in your heart?" Yes! "In Daddy's heart?" Yes. "In...." you get the picture. She went through everyone in the house. After answering yes to all, she asked a stunning question, "Mommy, why is Jesus looking for us?"

I had to catch my breath. Why is He looking for us? Because He loves us so much. With tears in my eyes, I did the best I could to explain to an almost 4 year old just how much He loves her.

He loves you. He loves me. He is looking for us because He loves us. Stop running from Him. Open up your heart. He wants to walk on in.

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Looking for a speaker for your next coffee, luncheon, Bible study or retreat? Kristi speaks on a variety of topics including but not limited to:

Victorious Living: Overcoming Your Failures

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